Skincare Tips for the Pies Fans

Collingwood Magpies

Skin Type: Weathered pub wall

You can spot a Collingwood fan from a postcode away: shirt off in 16-degree weather, Southern Cross tattoo fading like last year’s finals hopes, Oakleys on inside, yelling at the ump through a sausage roll while a half-warm VB balances on the bonnet of the Commodore. Their idea of skincare? Whatever soap is stuck to the laundry trough. The same one you used to wash the dog last week.

Toothbrush? No need. Sunscreen? That’s for blokes who brunch in Brighton. Serum? Only if it comes in a tinny.

These are men who’ve taken "toughen up" and applied it directly to their epidermis. But even the toughest skin can crack, especially when it’s more dehydrated than the MCG at full-time on Grand Final Day.

Damage Control Tips

Your skin’s crying out for help, and not just because you haven't washed your face since the Pies last won a flag. You've got lines longer than Centrelink on a Thursday. All that beer, windburn, and second-hand ciggie smoke has turned your face into something between a beef jerky strip and a leather footy from the '70s. You don’t need a 10-step K-beauty routine (although it wouldn't hurt), you just need to hydrate.

Look for hyaluronic acid, the not-so-secret weapon in the Feliks Moisturiser. It grabs onto water like a Collingwood fan clinging to a microwave and locks it into your skin so it doesn’t evaporate halfway through the third quarter.

Just once in the morning, that's it. The best skincare routine for men who drink, yell, and occasionally pass out in the sun. You’ll still look tough, just slightly less like a sundried tomato.